I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...