i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
