He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
