Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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