you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man