I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.