Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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