playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
