nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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