whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
PANTIES FOUND
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