she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
