Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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