is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
worst night to have a conscience
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
