Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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