So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
