Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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