I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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