i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
