this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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