just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
