North Korea, Best Korea!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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