Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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