Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
