when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
