how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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