My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
