I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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