you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
