What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
