Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
