My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i drank out of a bidet.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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