My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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