She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
