I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
