she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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