I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
