Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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