The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
