i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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