Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
