I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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