I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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