So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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