I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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