Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
