The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
