So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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