how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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