i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
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It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
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Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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