Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
