My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
