I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
