I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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