No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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