Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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