You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina