My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline